In an attempt to get kids – make that boys, middle-aged fans and stale gum addicts – to buy more baseball cards, Topps (motto: “Keep them away from your Mom!”) has unveiled what it’s calling an “augmented reality” 3D live card. For those who couldn’t go to college because their mom threw out their $100,000 Mickey Mantle rookie card, “augmented reality” means that anyone holding the 3D Live card in from of a computer webcam will see a three-dimensional avatar of the card’s player on the computer screen. The avatar will bat, throw, field and act just like a real baseball player – which means you may want to backup and remove your porn stash.
It’s hard to watch the animated player standing on top of his own baseball card and not say, “Help me, Obi-Juan Gonzalez, you're my only hope.” I kept waiting for the voice of Dr. McCoy to chime in after the holographic player swung at a bad pitch to say, “Dammit, Jim, I’m a doctor, not a third base coach”
While I’m sure the 3D Live baseball cards will help keep Topps from going out of business until it comes out with a line of bobblehead doll cards, this technology is being wasted on Cracker Jack-covered kids who will eventually lose interest or hack into the cards and figure out how to do the same thing with Dad’s Playboy collection. This got me thinking. There are much better applications for this technology that might help get us out of the current economic mess and a few others. For example:
Credit cards: Imagine pulling out your credit card to buy a 100-inch TV and a 3D image of President Obama pops up and informs you that the only part of that TV made in America is the fine-print radiation warning written by an American lawyer.
Hotel card key: As you slide your hotel card key into the door, a 3D avatar of a baby pops up and suggests you go back down to the gift shop and buy a pack of condoms.
Employee ID card: You slide your employee ID card through the door reader and a 3D picture of your boss appears, reminding you that you’re two minutes late and your job can easily be done by monkeys who are too old to pose for birthday cards anymore.
Driver’s license: The police officer who stopped you for speeding while talking on your cell phone and picking your nose waves your driver’s license in front of his radar gun and sees your avatar dancing at the Policeman’s Fundraising Ball with the mayor’s wife while stuffing cash into a jar marked “Put A Cop In A Cadillac.”
Those are just some of the realities that could be augmented by the 3D Live technology being marketed by Topps. I’m sure I could come up with more, but right now I’m training CC Sabathia to throw my deleted files into the wastebasket.
